I stopped wearing the little makeup I was already wearing years ago. About ten years ago. I didn’t want to stop wearing it. Although I’m not that great at applying it, I love makeup. I love all things beauty. Especially skin care since my skin is as dry as the Sahara Desert. I try not to be shy about my interests, but that is the way it is. I didn’t stop wearing makeup because I was shy.
I was asked kind of recently on why I stopped wearing makeup. As in I just wash my face, moisturize and slap on sunscreen in the morning. I did more than that when I was living with my mom and my mom never cared about me wearing makeup. If she were having a particularly bad day she may spout out that I have too much lipstick on and I look like a whore. Or the next day tells me that I need to work on my eyebrows and the dark circles under my eyes. When I was with my mom I have always been aware of how I look and present myself. I loved mascara and lip gloss. My lashes are kind of long, to begin with, and being Asian with long lashes, that is a bonus!
I hate to think of how much others have influenced how my thinking is now. The good, bad and toxic. Though I don’t really like to get into the complicated relationship that is my mother and I. I do hope she is doing well. Whatever she is up to. I do contact her, although she never responds. I’d like to say that I’m ok with that, but then I’d be lying. Although I do know that distance is probably the best thing for both of us. I do feel bad for my girls since my mom never contacts them or even tries to have some sort of relationship with them. Though just knowing what I know it is for the best. It is still sad.
Back to makeup. I was asked why I had stopped wearing it. A few reasons. Mike was so controlling over my makeup. When and where I should wear it. I worked in the afternoon so I’d be putting makeup on in the morning and taking it off around noon. He didn’t want me to wear makeup at work. If I did then I would be “looking for attention.” Which is crazy since being the center of attention has never been my thing. It just didn’t make sense to wear it. Plus my face was starting to break out. Either from my sensitive skin or my stress. Or both. Mike wanted so much control on how my makeup looked that he would actually try and put my makeup on me. He put bright blue eyeshadow on me! Just blue, no other colors, and he didn’t let me blend it in. I don’t usually wear eyeliner because I’m pretty much blind without my glasses and I can’t wear them while putting on eyeliner. Also, I’m not known for having a steady hand. He would put eyeliner on me and try to give me a winged eyeliner. If he made a mistake, I’d have to rub the damn thing off so he can try again. It was just so ridiculous and I felt so stupid and silly at the same time. It wasn’t fun having someone put makeup on me that didn’t know how to apply it. It also hurt because my skin is so sensitive.
Mike didn’t like that I threw all my makeup away but I just couldn’t take the makeup anymore. I did get a lot of crap from doing that. It stopped being fun. It stopped being about me. It sucked too since I really enjoyed playing with makeup.
So now that I’m finally away from him. Finally safe. I ask myself about why I haven’t just gone back to wearing makeup. Somewhere along the way through those years, I feel I have lost a sense of myself. I feel like I forgot what my interests and hobbies were. As if I forgot who I was. Makeup wasn’t the only thing I stopped doing. I stopped drawing and painting. I stopped scrapbooking. I stopped learning how to code and working with web pages and HTML. I stopped playing around with Illustrator and Photoshop… which I was pretty good at. I stopped reading. I stopped writing. I stopped doing crafts. I just stopped. I stopped being me. There did not seem to be any point anymore.
I am slowly feeling like my old self again. It’s taking a long time. It’s a lot of work and sometimes I just feel like going to sleep and forgetting everything. Though I really don’t want to do that. So I will try this week to start wearing some makeup. Start slowly. I don’t need to wear much. Just something to bring back my old self again. I almost feel that I need this. For myself.
