The library has given me another book to read that was on my ‘holds’ list. I’m a little overwhelmed with three books to read now. The book I read last night, which I’m 75% through, wasn’t one I thought I’d read. Mostly cause I had read reviews, the topic hits a little too close to home. I’ve never watched the shows she was on, but I admire her courage to talk about her upbringing. Jennette McCurdy’s I’m Glad My Mom Died is the most brutally frank account of emotional abuse and closely mirrors my experience—everything from the outbursts to extreme dieting and mood swings, and controlling behavior. Much of the book was hard to read since it took me back to childhood. When I was reading about her mother being angry and what her mother was saying, I had to skim over some of that. It was so similar to my mother. The acts of trying to calm her down, apologizing to others for her behavior, and making excuses as to why she behaved the way she did.
I still feel guilty for not talking to my mom much, and I’m not 80 pounds anymore. If I knew that my mom was coming to visit, I’d be going on a crash diet, so I don’t have to hear her comments. I can still go a whole day without eating if I need to. My dad used to worry so much about my weight. If I was eating enough. He would send me to school or an event with more money than I need to make sure I would eat. I feel guilty that I can’t send my girls to visit their grandmother, not that they want to go. They have witnessed her behavior and don’t feel guilty for not communicating with her. On the other hand, I still need to take care of her. I wonder how she is doing and worry that she isn’t getting out of the house and her health. I’m not sure why I feel this way. Truthfully, I haven’t talked to her because I’m scared of her. I shouldn’t be because she is my mother. There are times when she isn’t like that. When she would smile and laugh, things seemed ok. I would still be on edge if she told me that I could do something for fear that later she would change her mind or regret what she allowed me to do, and then I’d be grounded. She would ground me so much that my dad stepped in. He would try to help me with my mom, but she would scream at him and accuse us of hating her. I think I only felt like a kid when my dad was home. The Navy took him away frequently. That was hard on my mom. I don’t believe she could take care of me by herself. I’m sure she could have. But she relied on my dad for many things and would quickly get overwhelmed. Now I only hear from her via a card on Christmas. And I make sure my girls and I quickly write her a card. I never get my cards out before Christmas. I should try to this year.
Some family says I should reach out more. I send her a birthday card, but the thought of calling makes me freeze. I should reach out more. But what do I say? Maybe I should write a letter? I’m not sure what to do when it comes to my mom.
