The other night, while playing Final Fantasy XIV with Tommy, he asked why I never listen to the game’s audio. I explained that I prefer to be aware of my surroundings rather than immerse myself in the game sounds. He inquired if my ex, Mike, ever allowed me to enjoy the game’s music. I replied that Mike never let me do that because it would prevent me from hearing him and thus not paying attention to him. Then Tommy commented that I’m still allowing him to control me, even after ten years.
Even after a decade of separation, the shadow of an abusive partner is continuing to loom over my life. Many people assume that once a relationship ends, the impact of abuse will fade, but emotional and psychological scars can linger far longer. The sad truth is that abuse doesn’t always stop when the relationship does—it can morph into manipulation from afar, leaving you feeling powerless and trapped.
I’m assuming that acknowledging that this dynamic still exists is the first step toward reclaiming my autonomy. The fact that I’m still aware of the toxic power dynamics, even after so many years, speaks to how much of an impact past experiences have had on my sense of autonomy and independence.
It’s incredibly frustrating to realize that I’m still being manipulated and controlled even after all these years. I feel like I need to rewire my brain. In therapy tomorrow, I plan to discuss how I can accomplish this and liberate myself from the mindset that I still need to act as if I’m under someone else’s control. Years of abuse have conditioned my brain to respond in certain ways, and it’s essential for me to catch myself in those thoughts or behaviors and alter how I react to various situations. If that makes sense. In my mind, I can somewhat see what I need to do, but articulating it remains a challenge.
I’m feeling quite vulnerable today. My anxiety is elevated, and I’m struggling to shake off this sense of uneasiness. Everything around me seems fine, yet I still need to call the health insurance about my renewal. Additionally, I must obtain a letter from Social Security regarding Karissa’s disability increase to provide to the health insurance. I know I should make those calls now, but the unease I’m experiencing makes it difficult to think clearly.
The weekend was quite busy. On Friday, I prepared carne adovada, and it turned out well. It was quite spicy, which I enjoy, but I still had to add some sour cream to help temper the heat. On Saturday, Tommy and I took Alexis back to school and packed overnight bags just in case we needed to stay. Ultimately, we decided to head home that evening.
On Sunday, Tommy, Kel and I visited a friend’s house to watch football and enjoy some board games. Unfortunately, our football team lost, which was disappointing.
Today, I’m attempting to concentrate on coding, but my anxiety and ADHD are both working against me. It’s snowing quite heavily outside. While I should be feeling happy about the snowfall, it’s actually a source of frustration for me. I wonder how long this snow will stick around. I hope it doesn’t make it difficult for Tommy and Kel to get home tonight. It’s not snowing in the city where Tommy is, and I’m not sure what the conditions are like in the mountains. However, we’re certainly receiving a substantial amount of snow up here. I haven’t had lunch yet, but I don’t feel particularly hungry, likely due to my anxiety. Perhaps I should try to call the health insurance provider and then find something to eat. A nice cup of hot tea might help as well. I’m also going to take my anxiety medication.
It’s later now, and it seems my anxiety medication isn’t having the desired effect. It’s prescribed ‘as needed,’ but my anxiety remains elevated. I truly wish this uneasy feeling would dissipate. My hot tea provides some relief, though I still feel somewhat unsettled. The snow has stopped, and it’s now partly cloudy, which is nice; it’s comforting to see the sun shining.
My allergies have been quite overwhelming. My eyes are burning, and my nose won’t stop running. Yesterday, while we were at our friend’s house, the burning sensation in my eyes was so intense that I wanted to close them for some relief. However, I didn’t want to be mistaken for falling asleep, so I endured the discomfort instead. I think I’ll take some Sudafed when Tommy gets home, as he has some in his backpack.
