The weather has been quite unusual lately. I have a feeling a cold snap is on the horizon. Today is surprisingly warm, to the point where our pellet stove hasn’t even needed to be turned on, as it’s comfortable inside. According to the forecast, temperatures are expected to drop by the end of this week.
I just came from therapy, where we discussed my experiences with PTSD and dissociation. PTSD can often feel like an invisible weight, bearing down on me at unexpected times. Triggers can emerge from nowhere—a sound, a location, or even a fleeting thought—drawing me back into past trauma.
When I was younger, I loved watching crime shows and delving into criminology and psychology. I was fascinated by the motivations behind criminal behavior, and it became a hobby for me—an escape from the routine of daily life. However, now when I try to watch crime shows or explore true crime content on YouTube, I find myself feeling scared and anxious. This reaction didn’t occur when I was younger, but nowadays, especially when the content involves domestic violence, I simply can’t bring myself to watch it.
I often feel as if I’ve already experienced certain moments deeply, and watching shows that evoke those feelings becomes unbearable. I find myself turning off whatever I try to watch, often dissociating as a means to forget what I just saw. It’s particularly challenging, as watching these shows used to be something I truly enjoyed when I was younger. Now, due to my past experiences, I struggle to find any joy in it. It’s frustrating how much my PTSD continues to impact me. I frequently worry that my ex might find me or my children and pose a threat to us. While I know that these fears are unfounded, and enough time has passed for me to feel secure, my mind still occasionally reverts to those haunting memories.
Even writing this is somewhat triggering. I had to take a moment to pause and return to coding, which provided a welcome distraction. I also made myself a cup of hot tea in an attempt to relax. I dislike that my journal often delves so deeply into my mental struggles, but since this is my journal, it’s something that occasionally occurs. I’ll get back to coding now; it helps keep my mind occupied and alleviates my anxiety.
I need to get back into reading, and I’m planning to finish the book “Race Across Alaska” soon. I’m currently a quarter of the way through it. The book is intriguing, though I find the layout somewhat unusual. It resembles a newspaper style, where the story unfolds along the exterior columns, while the interior space is dedicated to educational asides. This format has disrupted the flow for me, and I wish the informative sections had been integrated into the narrative instead. I’m curious about the reasoning behind this particular layout choice.
