This post is a lengthy one. I usually aim to convey happiness in my writings, and I genuinely feel that way today. However, yesterday afternoon was a different story, and this post reflects those feelings. I wrote it last night and contemplated whether I should share it today. It’s in the past, it doesn’t even matter anymore. It just irked me that I was getting worked up about it yesterday. I’ll begin with the positive updates.
Alexis called me yesterday to share the exciting news that she has been invited to an honors breakfast the morning before graduation. She extended the invitation to me and Tommy to join her for breakfast. I’m incredibly proud of her; she’s worked diligently to reach where she is now.
Karissa is growing increasingly excited about starting her BA degree in the Fall. I’m thrilled for her, especially considering she had a challenging start to her college journey. She’s received her acceptance email and has completed her FAFSA application. I truly wish her all the best as she moves forward.
The weather today is quite pleasant. It’s slightly windy, with the temperature hovering around 70 degrees. This weekend, however, is expected to be cooler, with a chance of rain on Saturday. Given that it might be too chilly to work on the desk, maybe we could take the opportunity to tidy up the garage a bit. That way, when it warms up and we’re ready to focus on the desk, the garage will be organized and prepared.
Oh, and let’s not forget that Sunday is Easter, and we will be heading over to a friend’s house to game and plan for our trip this summer. So, cleaning the garage on Saturday seems like a good plan. But if it rains, no one is going to want to work out there. So we will see.
Yesterday, before Tommy arrived home from work, I was overwhelmed by flashbacks. They didn’t involve my ex directly, but they did relate to him. I was recalling a family member who loved to gossip about others, and it really bothered me. I distinctly remember sitting in her house while she engaged in a conversation with my ex. Since I’m deaf and couldn’t hear what was being said, her granddaughter informed me of their discussion. I felt increasingly upset, unsure of how to react, especially with my girls present—there was no way I was going to start shouting about the nonsense occurring around me. On the drive home, my ex shared what that family member had said about me. So, what did I do? I reached out to everyone who knew her, asking them to be honest and tell me the truth about what had been said.
Can I begin by asking why she was so fixated on babies and baths? Astonishingly, she told everyone Alexis had her very first bath at a month and a half old when she came over to give her one. I can’t even believe that I allowed her to come over to bath Lexi. What did she think I was doing for that month and a half while Lexi was in the hospital? I was there, caring for her in any capacity the nurses allowed, which included administering sponge baths. In fact, Lexi had a bath the very day she came home from the hospital. We had already established a nighttime routine during her stay in the hospital. Later, I discovered that this family member went around telling everyone I never give my kids baths. What on earth? Just because I declined her offer to bathe the kids at her house doesn’t mean I’m incapable of taking care of them. I didn’t bring pajamas for the kids and felt they could take a bath at home.
Let’s see. It was said that I constantly found myself going everywhere with Kevin, never really doing anything solo. And after he passed, I was dependent on my parents. How many times did I tell Kevin I was taking the car to go to the store, only for him to tag along because he wanted to get out? Who drove him to work so I could use the car to take Karissa to her appointments? Did she really think I didn’t drive when Kevin was away? Who cared for the kids when he was gone, and after he passed? The first thing I did after the week after Kevin passed was buy a car. Our car was split in half, so I needed a new car. Which I drove myself and the girls around.
Don’t even get me started on how my mom took my car keys and hid them while Kevin was in Iraq. Naturally, I had to rely on my parents for rides. My mom wouldn’t let me have the car! She didn’t want me driving at all. I didn’t get my car back until Kevin returned from Iraq, and somehow I was the one looked down upon. How many arguments did I have with my mom over my car? Even my dad was on my side, advocating for me to get it back. I just don’t understand her reasoning for not wanting me to drive; my mom never shared that with me. I was making car payments for a vehicle I wasn’t allowed to use.
I was so stressed that I broke out in hives, which is my body’s reaction to stress. She was aware that my relationship with my mom was strained, so what did she do? She called my mom to gossip about me. Then, she shared a series of lies with my ex, which made it easier for him to isolate me from my family and friends. Perhaps that last part isn’t entirely accurate, but it certainly feels true to me. All he had to do was echo those lies, leaving me feeling alone and unsupported. My ex then positioned himself as the support I needed, convincing me that he was the only one who truly understood me. So, how did I end up feeling brainwashed by my ex? That was how. He also came into my life when my dad died, when I wasn’t in my right mind.
This still troubles me to this day—all the lies that were told. I only confided in a few friends about what was said once my ex was no longer in the picture. There was more that was discussed, but I simply don’t have the energy to delve into it all right now.
I’m struggling to understand why these thoughts keep swirling in my mind; they only end up giving me a headache. Perhaps I can address this in my therapy session tomorrow. I’m relieved that I no longer have to contend with any lies. I do find myself wondering whom my mom confides in to voice her complaints about me now.
I no longer drive due to my eyesight, but I still possess my license and maintain insurance in case I ever need to drive again. Additionally, I continue to ensure that my kids are looking after themselves, even though it’s no longer a requirement for me to do so.
I’m still unsure about whether I want to share this, but I realize I shouldn’t let the opinions of others from the past affect me anymore. It frustrates me that their words still linger in my mind at times, but I believe I’m finally moving past it. I’ve written down my thoughts, so I feel like I’ve released them. It’s done.
Today, I spent my time coding and I think I’ve found a solution for the mybind() function. I plan to finalize it tomorrow and write an explanation about my approach. I know that not many people engage with the JavaScript content here, but putting my thoughts into words is more for my own benefit. Now, I’m going to prepare myself some matcha tea.
